Light Impressions

Resolutions are so 2010. Themes, baby!

2011-01-02T22:59:00.003-05:00

No resolutions. Because those are lame-sauce status. But, a good friend 'o mine suggested I choose some 'themes' for 2011 to live my year by. At first I was a bit hesitant, as a whole year of following, abiding by themes seemed a little constrictive. Too much of a commitment. Then I realized that my ex-type A was coming out inside of me, thinking I would have to Bikram-style commit to four themes and hold them through to the next year til 2012 claps its hands and screams "Switch!" Ok, enough with the Bikram yoga jokes. Anyway, I decided to choose four themes/symbols of sorts that seem to resonate with me. And I decided to throw them out there, and set them as free-flowing, open intentions...

And so. A bit on each of my themes....

Theme #1 WATER:
A bit obvious for those that know me...but for real this year.
Flow. Ride the waves. Crash into the shore and swim right back out. Make my own flow. Fill the spaces I inhabit with my presence and breath. Be more flexible. Embrace natural transformations and states of being.

Theme #2 GRAFFITI:
Grab a can of paint and spray it up! Just kidding! Never would I ever...unless I were allowed.
Make and leave a positive, inspiring"mark" on the people, communities, and spaces I come in contact with. Find the art in everything. Creative inspiration. Strong and soft impressions. Use more words and Let the necessary speak for itself. Communicate effectively. More color.

Theme #3 The Cowrie Shell
More pink.
Symbolic of the feminine. Strength of the Ocean. Goddess Protection. Humility. Respect of self. Prosperity. Embrace the feminine. Honor the body. Honor the spirit. Follow the intuition. Trust.

Theme #4 The Double Spiral
Cycles have been the presiding routes the last few years of my little life, and so I want to encourage the new routes which spirals allow for...
Turning inward in order to extend outward. Continuous growth. Exploration of inner life and manifestation of outer soul. Balance. Routes. Movement. Interconnectedness.

Light to guide. Dark to learn. Root to live.
~Be.

Energy, Yours and Mine

2010-10-19T19:44:00.002-04:00

There is no contract with the movements.
As energy knows no right, no wrong.
Energy just moves.

Whether it is through the dancer who hears the music with and without sound and transforms the subtle vibrations into oscillations that ebb and flow to the form of the body and the space in which it is contained.

Or whether it is through the child who traces the path of a balloon lost to the finger's grip with his eyes and smiles at it free-floating-ness, then in realizing it is never coming back, crunches his face and fills with wet tears.

Or whether it is with the lovers who move together, then apart, then together again only to meet and melt in each other's arms.

Or whether it is with the lotus that struggles to penetrate the surface of the mud, rooting down as it reaches up for the sun, and finally finds stillness in its rays.

Fragile Beauty

2010-07-21T12:05:00.002-04:00

to embrace the fragile beauty of our own humanness
to awaken to our own pains, and hold another's in the the palm of our hand.
to see not with our eyes, but to feel with our souls.
to hold on when we need to, and let go when its time.
to be strong enough to walk on our own, and humble enough to take another's hand.

2010-07-20T18:52:00.001-04:00

And I'll be going places, 'cause places I don't mind to leave behind...

...because Sparks says this better than I can...

2010-07-15T20:17:00.001-04:00

"Thank you for coming into my life and giving me joy, thank you for loving me and receiving my love in return. Thank you for the memories I will cherish forever. But most of all, thank you for showing me that there will come a time when I can eventually let you go. "
— Nicholas Sparks (Message in a Bottle)

to the truth

2010-07-06T19:41:00.002-04:00

I would trade three of my shiniest pennies just to sit and listen to the truth.

2010-07-06T18:55:00.002-04:00

Boom crack crack boom
Shake squash
Rip rattle roll

SWOOSH SWOOSH

Boom crack crack boom
Shake squash
Rip rattle roll

SWOOSH SWOOSH

Boom crack crack boom shake squash rip rattle roll

SWOOSH

summer.

2010-06-16T00:07:00.005-04:00

yoga.
acai boosts.
e Boosts.
crystals under pillows. and in pockets.
running. to get away. and go back to.
4 chords-G, E, C, D.
sage. nag champa. rose.
lavender and eucalyptus.
filled journals.
writings in the margins.
flip flops and aviators.
vegetarianism.
low iron.
high hopes.
faithful and faithless.
once, twice, three times.
two-player games.
Taylor.
habits and habituation.
cycles and circles.
sleepless nights.
dreams in color.
black and white.

questions passing through

2010-05-25T00:02:00.004-04:00

Where were you last year at this time?
Where are you present day?
Where will you be tomorrow?
And will it be ok?

What is your call home, to your true center?
What do you do in the midst of Fear?
What will you do when Darkness shadows you?
And will you be the light?

What do you think twice about?
What do you say yes to?
What do you say no to?
What would you give up?
And what would you never let go?

How do you greet a stranger?
How do you say goodbye?
What do you welcome into your life?
What do you pray to leave?
And what do you let slip away?

I AM ME, YOU ARE ME, W E A R E O N E

2010-05-24T23:54:00.004-04:00

Silver line the moon
and serve me plates of gold.
Wash away the drops from my eyes,
and paint the tears into streams of magnificence.
Everything is flowing freely now.

Hold my heart so tender in your hands,
the wings of a small bird fluttering in your palms.
Let me fly. I am free.

Manifest my intentions,
each one a kite to its own star.
The morning brings me golden light.
The night a darkness only I can penetrate.

Who am I?
"I am you, you are me..."

We are one.

Hair

2010-04-23T01:44:00.003-04:00

My hair is overgrown. It has not been cut in nearly two months, and it's starting to look like a mix between a shaggy bowl and just a mess of mousy hair. That is, when you can see it. I've been disguising it with bandannas-no I haven't joined a gang for those of you who have noticed my new fashion.

I am very particular about my hair. Which must come as a surprise because one would think that a chick who hides her hair with bandannas and scarves must really not care all that much about what her hair looks like. Anyway. No one in NYC knows how to cut my hair. I think I blogged about this before....whenever I go to get it cut, my heart literally starts to pound. I sit in the chair watching as they snip away at my hair, always telling them I like to keep the top long and then cringing when they cut the extra centimeter. As if they couldn't see my disapproval in the mirror. And don't even get me started with hair color. The last time I tried to go platinum my hair turned out baby chick yellow and some guy ended up stalking me on the L train while calling me a punk. Needless to say, my hair salon in NY have not been the greatest.

My hair color has finally reached its normal state of this mousy brown color, the one I have hated forever. It's the reason why I dye it bright blond or black-one extreme or the other please, the middle is no fun. So my first desire has been to bleach out my hair and go platinum again. It's almost summer, and it's just that time of the year. Ya know, you crank out your flip flops, get some new shades, start a tan, and go blond. The usual. But alas, no one knows how to dye hair white, platinum blond in this city. I envy the older women I see whose hair is turning white. If only the pigments in my hair could start to fade out now. Ho hummmm.

I have always said I would shave my head at least once in my life. (Don't hold your breath, it's not happening anytime soon.) I don't feel like going GI Jane. I know I could pull it off. Yeap. I said it. I am that confident in the shape of my head to sport no hair on it. Just kidding. But really. So I am not going GI Jane. And unless I can find a good stylist to dye my hair, this mousy color may be what I am working with.

I think instead I will get some dreads. White chick with short dreads. Hottness. I was throwing around the idea at the yoga studio the other day because someone commented on my hair, and my response was, "I've always wanted some dreads. I think I could rock it." And the woman who was conversing with me happened to be a beautiful black woman who knew a thing or two about dreads. She checked out my hair and told me I could totally pull it off, saying if it backfired, I could just take out the dreads anyway. Totally persuading. So here I am pondering the idea. Once a few weeks ago I had the same train of thought and tried to go without washing my hair for two days. I caved after the second day and thought that my dream of dreads was crushed. The woman told me though that I should pay to get them professionally done, that they'd be cleaner that way. Part of me was slightly disappointed. I always thought dreadlocks were magnificent because of being beautiful messes. Cliche, si. So professional dreadlocks seem too 2010 for me.

So it's scarves and bandannas for me til I cave and get a hair cut. Or until I start to look like Cousin It. Then it's serious.

2010-03-01T00:41:00.000-05:00

"so cold"-chris brown

2010-02-25T14:24:00.002-05:00

Three years ago I began writing my first manuscript. Three years ago I set off on this expedition to tell and share my story.

And let me tell you. Writing it has been so painful. So beautifully painful.

I was having trouble finishing it. It was so close for months. I could not write for quite some time, I could not add to it. I felt like there were always more developments in my life to add to, and I was constantly thinking I had to account for ALL of it in my piece. And then it hit me. I am 20 years young, and if I keep trying to account and include EVERY single development in my story of life, then this piece would never be over. It would go on and on and on and on and on...

So I had envisioned a certain way since the beginning. I had a vague idea of where I wanted it to "end." So I sat down last night, journals sprawled across my bed. And started to write again. And I did not stop. Until the last page. Until the last of what I wanted to say was written.

Of course a piece is never truly complete and finished, but I feel like the Heart of the Memoir is finished.

I am crying right now. Because I am proud. Because a weight has been lifted. Because there is a certain level of closure to ending this piece.

It feels so good. So. So. So. Good.

And I alone have given myself this feeling.

It all comes from me and my own.

The Going Home Chronicles: part I

2010-01-21T23:47:00.003-05:00

In trying to keep this whole thing 'light,' I am going to write/blog about all the wonderful "adventures" I have in PA. Ok, maybe not all of them. Maybe not even half of them. But a few.

So today after hangin' at the gym, aka laying down in the sauna and pretending to be somewhere tropical, I was craving a salad. Random craving, I know, but I just wanted some leafy greens. I haven't really taken inventory of what we have in the kitchen, but I didn't think we would have ingredients for a leafy green salad. So I went my way to this new ridiculousness of a place called Salad Works thinking I could get a salad. Well, after driving around trying to find a parking space and finally parking in another bank's lot, I walk into the place, check out the menu, and walk right out. It was like 9 bucks for a salad. Ridiculous. Not even in New York. For 9 bucks I could have went to the grocery store, bought a week's worth of greens, and been on my way. Whatever. At this point I was like, forget the salad, I am not backtracking to the grocery store.

So I get home and have a juicy gala apple instead of my greens I wanted.

Great story, right? It's not over.

I crashed taking a nap today and when I woke, preceded downstairs because alas I was hungry and it happened to be time to eat according to the rules of meals such as dinner being around the hours of 5 and after. I creep into the kitchen and get some ingredients out to throw together some bean tacos-because it's one of 3 things I know how to make-and as I go to the sink to rinse out the can of beans, I look and guess what I see? A bowl of salad. Where the heck was that earlier when I needed it? I stuck a fork right in there and had at it.

Isn't it ironic how the thing you want may not be there when you desire it to be, yet somehow it always shows up, or was actually there all along? craziness.

2010-01-07T11:07:00.001-05:00

Wait for it....wait for it....

2010-01-02T13:44:00.004-05:00

Thinking this is all going to end up exactly how it's supposed to.

There is much to look forward to.

2009 Reflections/2010 Blessing

2009-12-31T07:43:00.006-05:00

This past year has been (excuse me for lack of better metaphor) a roller coaster. And just as a roller coaster begins on the track at a certain spot, so it ends. I feel like this year has been the same. I have grown in many ways, yet here I stand at the coming of 2010 facing much the same questions and choices as 2009 presented and challenged me with. Who am I? Where am I going? Am I making the right choices? Am I making a difference? Am I doing my best? Am I positively affecting others? Am I living it right?

A close friend of mine once (actually, multiple times) told me that any choice I make is the right choice. It is not the choice or decision that is right or wrong, it is the act of actually making the choice, and committing to it, which then makes it right. Much like everything else, it is the path itself which is most important, not the outcome, answer, or solution.

I am finding trust in this each day. Along with many other things.

I have great hopes for this coming year, 2010, for myself and for us all.

I hope this year brings us all happiness, the kind the starts within and extends outward. I hope this year brings us laughter, the kind that keeps a smile's outline long and after. I hope this year brings us peace from our sufferings, small and large. I hope this year takes away our worries of tomorrow, and brings us the peace that can be found today. I hope this year brings us closer to our goals and aspirations, enchanting our dreams, our lives. I hope this year brings us from fear to love, freeing our minds, souls, spirits, hearts, and selves from everything and all.

I hope this year brings you beauty in all forms.

Om Shanti.
be.

Hide and Seek

2009-12-30T20:46:00.002-05:00

I saw her today in the mirror.
Just for a second,
and then she was gone.
Playing her game of hide and seek,
coming and going.
Then coming, going.
And coming back again.

She always does return.

She is Girl.
No. She is Woman.
But she is built of more than flesh and skin, hair, eyes, lips, limbs.
She is more than Body.
She is the stuff we cannot see.
That stuff we call Soul and Spirit.

She just has a body that is ever-presently here.

And so she runs and hides away,
but always returning.

For she never really leaves at all.
Just finds good hiding so far within that she seems gone.

2009-12-26T22:46:00.003-05:00

I see her after weeks, sometimes months, sometimes just a day
And yet she still takes a running jump into my arms
Hugging me.
I ask her, "Did you miss me?"
Because I still need to know, to hear.
She says as always, assuredly, "YESSSSSSSS!!!!!"

She asks me to play matching games
And we take turns flipping cards, finding matches of monkeys and frogs.
She asks me to teach her yoga,
So I get her a mat and we work on our downdogs.

She tells me when things are not funny.
And I tell her that I will protect her from Bella, my brother's German Shepard pup
who though loving in kissing and licks
can sometimes nip and scratch, but in love nonetheless.

I sit on the stairs with a look in my eyes,
A look that has become familiar to her.
And she sits beside me, eyes peering forward, not at me.
But sitting close enough for her to say without words,
"I don't know what is wrong. But it is ok. I am here. I love you."
She is just shy of 5 years, but has a knowing soul, a powerful intuition.

I give her a first round of hugs and goodbyes.
She comes back my way for me to zip up her puffy coat.
I don't want her to be cold.
She makes her way back again, into my arms, another goodbye.
She knows I hate goodbyes, but that I need them so.
Again she makes her way back to me.
Once more I hold her tight.
I tell her I love her.
I tell her that I will miss her.
She tells me she loves me too.
I say to her, "Goodbye, my Love."
She repeats, "Goodbye, my Love."

And that is how we part.

2009-12-23T23:47:00.002-05:00

I'm just gearing up for Mercury Retrograde.

I have a flashlight. I wonder if that will help?

2009-12-21T22:29:00.001-05:00

I am fighting so hard right now.

2009-12-17T21:12:00.002-05:00

I dance when no one is watching.

New Blog

2009-12-08T22:28:00.003-05:00

Hey Peeps

Prefer to read/learn about health and wellness and addiction ? Google it!

Or check out my newbie blog strictly dedicated to the above. That's right. No poems or silliness on this one. Maybe a few lame jokes here and there, but you get the point.

http://shafaspace.blogspot.com

wishbones&wheaties,
be.

If you carry crystals in your pocket long enough...

2009-12-06T22:43:00.003-05:00

I've carried in my pocket, and put under my pillow, two crystals for the last few weeks.

One a lapis:
"Lapis Lazuli is a powerful stone for those who seek spiritual development...helps us contact our spirit guardians...."

One an amethyst:
"Amethyst is the stone of spirituality and sobriety...It is also the stone of transformation..."

And alas here I am. Where I am. And perhaps they are in fact powerful little gems. Perhaps I undermined the two...

What am I saying? Be careful of what you put in your pocket and under your pillow...

2009-12-05T21:29:00.004-05:00

i never thought that i would leave this city
i thought for sure it had earned recognition as my home
and i still believe
that it has.

it's made me misty with aspirations
for myself
for others
for us all.

it's also struck me with the pain that comes along
with wanting nothing more
than to heal.
and believe me,
healing is not all comforting.
like a wound scabbing over,
it too itches and and hardens
til one day it is sealed with a shiny pink layer
of new skin.

much like my knee,
but even that too still aches
on the occasion.

i am attached to many a thing a place a people
this city
and all who reside within my close comforts.

i am essentially holding hands with this city
and everything i deem it to be.
by leaving,
i will be letting go
not one finger at a time
as two individuals parting ways with the final light touch of the tips of the fingers
but more so
like two who hold closely for some time
before finally releasing the close grip
knowing
that though the goodbye is not forever
it is still a lapse in the vague realm of time.

i will return
to this home of mine.
to this city of subways with trains that have taken me everywhere
with one single swipe of that Metro Card.
that same Metro Card that I will use
to take the train to the station
to catch that faithful Bieber bus.

it's not goodbye, New York.
it's just til the next swipe
of that Metro Card.

2009-12-04T01:35:00.005-05:00

12.04.09.155
i am told that he walks beside me
and that he is here with me now
and comes around often.

yet this emptiness and aloneness i feel
is so present
and gripping
that it strangles.

and makes me hold on
to everything around me
like
the crystals i grip in my pocket
or
the lump i fight with to swallow
in my throat
and
the people
like you.

12.04.09.200

If what is happening
is in fact not my fault
or choosing
but everything around me's
underlining, undiscovered weight
then really
my chains are not my own.
But if
these struggles
I have chosen on my own
to carry and to bear
are mine
then who to break the locks
but me?

12.04.09.206
Have you ever found yourself locked out
of a room or building to which you have the key
just not with you, or cannot be found
at the moment.
Have you rummaged through your purse,
fingers scraping and digging to find the key
but without luck
you tear your bag apart and into pieces.
Its contents spilled out and everywhere.
Misplaced objects
like pens
or chapstick
or notebooks
or pieces of scratch paper
with words and phrases and to-dos.
When really none of it matters
because all you want and need
is the key you have
but cannot find
to open the door
and go back inside.

2009-12-03T01:17:00.000-05:00

I think I just decided to take the spring semester off.

2009-12-02T23:13:00.003-05:00

I am thankful for this teacher who has entered my life tonight.

I am scared.
And it is going to be hard.
There is going to be pain.
There already is.

But it is my own.

Only I can do this.

I am ready.
I am willing.
Now.

2009-12-02T00:19:00.002-05:00

I'm like Gumby. I keep on bending and bending, never breaking completely. Just like 87%.

can't stop/won't stop

oh my. hold up. who be I kidding? this is going to be crazy.

am I ready and strong enough to hear everything? well. I guess I will find out. I am really testing limits lately-mine and others'.

what T has to tell me may be healing, may help, may start me afresh. or it may just give me the heeby jeebys.

The good thing about clay, though, is that it totally molds back together if it does break. It's indestructible really.

oh my. metaphors are killing me lately.

bear with me.

2009-11-30T23:34:00.002-05:00

what do I do when I don't actually know what to do?

well.

usually I get on a bus and go somewhere.

2009-11-30T22:20:00.002-05:00

left side............

Tucked In

2009-11-27T15:49:00.004-05:00

It was too nice of a day.
The sun was shining,
as if it did not know my loss.
Our loss.

We drove away,
me sitting in the back
behind the driver,
my Father.

Looking out the back window,
I saw the casket
still raised above the ground.
My Brother inside.

Since that day,
I have been unsettled.
Wanting so badly
for him to be tucked in.

I return.
Not quite five years later.
Too late a return,
too soon a return.

Not ready,
nor prepared,
but needing
to see his marker
with his name
and his dates,
and the ground
finally green with grass.

Tucked in at last.
Resting in peace.

2009-11-24T08:33:00.004-05:00

Had to write up a lil somethin-somethin for my teacher training application. And I noticed I have not posted anything worthwhile, in a while.

So here is a little something. A little bit about me. And my yoga. And yes, it is my yoga not yours. You can have your own.

I was on a stationary bike sweating out of my pores as my legs pumped and pumped out rotations, one after the other. I was over my hour mark, going on hour two, as my training for triathlons was at its peak intensity. My mom came out of the workout room to come find me, to see if I was done my workout. She had been inside the other room, taking a yoga class, which I had always made fun of her for doing. "That's not a workout, Mom. That doesn't count. It's stretching. It's like, a compliment to a workout. Not the real thing." I told her this over and over, belittling the practice, having never even stepped on a mat myself. I was a triathlete. I did not need yoga. I needed intensity. I needed sweat. I needed hours on the bike, hours on the road pounding my legs into the ground, or my body in water swimming laps and laps.

Today she came out of the room with the yoga teacher, who came up to the bike I was working away on. She started talking to me. Telling me how yoga would be a great addition to my training. I laughed her off, as I often did my Mother, and kept peddling away. I was not done my workout.

Eventually I decided to appease both requests of my Mother and the yoga teacher by taking class one Sunday morning. It was a joke of a sort. I thought I was better than everyone else. I ran, biked, and swam. I did not 'stretch' or do this yoga thing.

I practiced that day with a room full of older adults, I was the youngest in the room, being seventeen and in my last year of high school.

I laid in savasana. I did not get it. I could not just lay still. I did not see the point. What was the workout? I was not even sweating. I thought it worthless.

And then I went back the next week.
And I decided to go back the week after that.
And then I noticed my endurance was improving in my triathlon training.
And so I kept going back.
It became less of a joke.
It became an addition to my training.
But only now, today, has it become my own practice.

I had been an athlete my whole life, and had recently been swallowed by the endurance sport of triathlons. Amidst the intense workouts and adrenaline rushes, an eating disorder and poor self-image also accompanied it. In essence, my training and endurance workouts were nothing more than a good cover-up for exercise anorexia, a purging of a sort, a punishment so to say.

But yoga was, well, something different.
It was not punishing.
It was healing.
It is healing.

Yoga, which once started out as a supplement to my endurance training has now become MY practice. I have owned my time on the mat. Making every minute one of soul-searching and wound-healing.

As cliche as it may sound, yoga has changed my life, perhaps even saved it.

I was set to embark on a teacher training at Sonic Yoga this past summer, but fate interceded and I was not able to follow through as planned.

In the early summer, I was having pains in my knee while resting in child's pose. I was training for up and coming triathlon races at the same time. I kept pushing through the pain, until finally
I had to see a doctor.

It was found that I had a benign tumor behind my right knee, near my femur bone. The tumor is believed to have formed from a tear in my MCL that went unnoticed (I have become dangerously tolerant of pain from my years of endurance punishment put on my body through exercise). It formed where the ligament tore from the bone, allowing a home for the cell-mass to grow, attach, and eventually even fracture part of my femur bone.

I spent the summer in a leg immobilizer, on crutches, off my bike, off the streets, out of the water, and off the mat. The last of which caused me the most pain.
I believe I was meant to spend this summer immobile, not training. My races were cancelled. My training stopped. But my yoga practice deepened. I was not on the mat, but I was in my head, in my mind, in my soul.

The teachers I looked up to most, who have guided me along this way, all told me the same thing: you are about to learn the most important lesson of yoga-to be still, to be quiet, to be inside the mind; that is the real yoga.

It has been the most difficult lesson for me to learn, to accept, but it has become the most necessary. Still it is a struggle, believing and accepting that the real yoga is a practice of the mind and soul, not so much the body. But I am working, I am striving, I am struggling, and I am healing. On and off the mat, my life has become a practice.

I only know what yoga has done for me, given me. And words cannot explain the gifts I have received from yoga and all of my teachers. I can only hold this sense of immense gratitude for the practice and these gifts I have received. And I hope I can give back. By teaching. By sharing my practice. By becoming a teacher myself; guiding others through not only a practice on the mat, but a practice off the mat, in life and in oneself.

2009-11-17T22:09:00.002-05:00

Live a little lighter.

2009-11-16T15:48:00.001-05:00

If I keep asking myself the same question over and over again, chances are I probably know the answer.

Ho hum.

2009-11-14T17:56:00.002-05:00

Amy, I don't know you,
But I know your name.

2009-11-06T23:12:00.002-05:00

Haven't been here in a while.

Not writing much lately. Not even journaling really. Which is kind of terrible. Because it means I have a bunch of words inside of me waiting to spill out onto pages and pages and into the air. and here.

I've been thinking myself sober. or drunk. Depending how you want to look at it. Thinking about this and what, where I am going, where I've been, where I need not treck, and where I want to be.

It's crazy where I am at right now-tip toeing along this verge of blissful happiness of self. I see it, I am close, but I am still not there. I can actually pin-point a place in time where I would like to be again. Or not be again. But bring that time to the present and make it now. But how?

There are so many elements that make up our life. Little pieces to a puzzle. A puzzle whose picture we can't even see for ourselves.

And there are so many patterns we find ourselves in. Comfort zones of sorts. Patterns we travel in with hope that in following, we will find whatever it is we are so desperatly searching for. Sometimes the pattern and travel suits us right. Yet other times we take that same pattern and course and time after time after time it serves us no healthy purpose. It takes us to the same place. A place we may not want to to be in, but find ourselves in nonetheless.

Where am I going with this? Nowhere really.

But I can't help but to keep asking myself if I altered one part of an equation that I am afraid to change, would I maybe get the answer I have been looking for? Plugging in the same variables doesn't give you different results.

This perhaps made no sense. Jibberish. What can I do?

On a lighter note, I am willing to openly admit that on my run through Bushwick today I totally wiped out because my sneaks' laces were far too long and got in the way of my feet and pulled me down as if to tell me I shouldn't have been running to begin with. I now have a bruised knee (yes, on my already healing knee) as well as a bruised elbow.

What's the lesson to be learned?...tripple knot your laces.......or.....yea.

2009-10-24T17:05:00.001-04:00

yoga

2009-10-17T21:48:00.002-04:00

A lot is different. A lot has changed. Change seems to be the only constant in my life right now. The weeks are flying by. I could post about how I decided that I am going to try and graduate a semester early, or how I am searching feverishly for a yoga teacher training program. But ho hum...

Something else has struck me this week instead. Something I witnessed on the L on Friday.

I was running late to my internship on Friday, the L was being a slug for no reason, and I happened to be on the wrong train cart, at the wrong time.

I had my head in this book I am reading for class-The Handmaid's Tale (which I still have 100 pages to read before I finish writing this paper I am working on), and all of sudden this man starts getting loud. Now usually I have my iPod plugged in while I am reading. I am just that amazing-I have the ability to listen to stellar tunes and read words at the same time. What a blessing. Well, I decided that day to not stuff my ears with the buds, so I was attune to the sounds of the train, conversations, and accordingly this loud man.

He had a deep voice. Was swearing profusely. And started hollering at his daughter for not drinking her juice. I did not really look over, but started to glance up from my page at the corner of my eye. He kept yelling at her, telling her to drink her juice. Well, she must have started drinking it, and got some on her hand, because he yelled at her for just that. Because apparently if she were drinking the juice correctly, there was no reason for it to spill on her small fingers? Her fragility all too present in sipping a juice...

She then moved up from her seat. He grabbed her by her small arm. Threw her back on the train seat. And then he hit her. Hard. Not like a slap. Like a forceful blow.

She started crying.

As did I, along with many others on the train.

He told her she wasn't a "diva," and that he was going to "whoop her ass" when they got home.

She was maybe 6 years old.

I have never witnessed something like this. I had seen it in movies, read about it, but never saw an innocent child hit by her own father. She was so young. So innocent.

If he felt so able to strike her in public-on a subway-then what would he do to her behind closed doors, in her own home?

We think and try to be aware of such things as child abuse and other issues that plague humanity, but is being aware enough? Is feeling for that child enough? No one said anything, I did not say anything. We are all guilty in that sense. We all observed, all witnessed, but none of us chose to act.

But what could have been done? The child had already been hit. Chances are it was not the first time. Her pain will last. And this memory will never be erased, for her, for me, and all on the train that day.

How can we stop this? How can we prevent acts like these from being committed?

I wish I would have said something.

But more so, I wish I could save that little girl and all others from their pains.

I hope one day that everyone in the world (including myself) can be filled with a little more love. A little more compassion. A little more courage.

"When you are destroying something, you are also destroying yourself, remember."-OSHO

2009-10-17T20:33:00.001-04:00

I haven't blogged in forever. I didn't even remember that long quote there below. What a good one.

Post coming soon...

...after I get started on this paper...

2009-09-20T22:13:00.000-04:00

"I don't know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes- it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, 'Well, if I'd known better I'd have done better,' that's all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, 'I'm sorry,' and then you say to yourself, 'I'm sorry.' If we all hold on to the mistake, we can't see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can't see what we're capable of being. You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one's own self. I think that young men and women are so caught by the way they see themselves. Now mind you. When a larger society sees them as unattractive, as threats, as too black or too white or too poor or too fat or too thin or too sexual or too asexual, that's rough. But you can overcome that. The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don't have that we never grow, we never learn, and sure as hell we should never teach." — Maya Angelou

2009-09-17T11:47:00.002-04:00

New day

2009-09-10T01:29:00.002-04:00

Well...

Last week I managed to get back on a normal sleeping schedule.

And now it is almost 2am. And I am wide awake. And I don't know why.

My knee is throbbing for no reason also. It has not done this since the whole immobilizer thing a few weeks ago. So I wrapped it for now. But I was planning on going to yoga in the morning-8 hours from now actually. But since I am doing the whole 'play it smart' thing, I won't go if it hurts. But there is no reason for it to hurt! I only stretched a little today and did some light weights. It's frustrating.

So much is right on in my life lately. I couldn't ask for anything else.

But there are some things that are just so totally not together. And most of what I am talking about is out of my control. BTW, I hate using that word-'control'-there is something about the word I don't like, but it's probably something deserving of its own entry. I hate it when I try to fix things and I can't. When I try to resolve issues and nothing changes. When I care but can't do anything else to make things right. It all comes down to control. The fact that I cannot fix everything, and it's not my responsibility to. Maybe I should be majoring in The Study of Superheroes instead of Human Wellness, Addiction (and Culture).

I miss my cousin. She's just too darn cute. She started pre-school this week. It's kind of humorous that she is most likely spending more time in a classroom then I am (though she would probably look at me and say as she always does "it's not funny"). I wonder what she will say about my hair when she sees me next. When it was black and she saw it for the first time, and first saw me, she pointed and shouted "Cousin Bethy's hair is black!" and she had to tell everyone. It was probably a had to be there kind of moment. But I am obviously ranting tonight and going on and on...

I have more.

I miss my brother. I'm not going to say anything else about this. If what I have put into words has not healed anything yet, I am not sure what will. I only hope.

Something just isn't right now in general. Something just doesn't feel 'right.' And I thought I had it figured out the other day, about scheduling and freedom, and I don't think that is all of it. There has to be more to it then that, since I still have this weird feeling. I know another part that may be contributing to it, but even that can't be the totality of it.

Because my body is telling me something is wrong. Something is out of balance. In many ways I feel extremely healthy and strong. But something just isn't right. And I hate that feeling. And I hate not knowing what that little thing is or may be.

I should probably throw in good news after all that serious jazz....

I am officially registered for all my classes, internship, and independent study-everything is on my schedule and no more waitlists. Holler ! I actually really really like my schedule this semester and everything academic-wise is all set to go smooth sailing.

My internship is pretty tight if I can say so. I see big things from this venture.

I ordered a bunch of books today like Prozac Nation, Scar Tissue, and a few others. Mostly memoirs. Good Stuff. About half-way through My Friend Leonard now and it's pretty awesome. I don't care if James Frey fabricates parts of his writing or not, the guy writes like no one else and gets major props in my book for that.

The only problem I get when reading these memoirs, is that I stop writing and working on my own manuscript as much. It's crazy. I get consumed by the other author and just can't think straight b/c all these new ideas and thoughts start going through my head. But I'll write this weekend. That will probably help clear a lot up anyway.

I just got a realllly nifty idea for a painting. Kinda retro-modern. All black canvas with a really faint grey/silver outline of my bike as the moon shines through my window onto it....hmmmmmmmmm

2009-09-09T00:28:00.002-04:00

First day of school. Back to studio yoga. And overall goooooooodness.

Interesting quotes of the day:

"The fact that they put up red flags shows how promising this is. I like it."

1: No! You cannot sell drugs!
2: Well you can't pose for artistic nudity then!

LoL

1: Why do you need it??
2: Because! Peer pressure! That's why!
1: You know what happened last time you fell to peer pressure?? Your hair turned out blonde!

Gooooooooood times in the BK.

Sometimes I like to figure out what's wrong...

2009-09-08T01:11:00.002-04:00

I have a tendency to randomly get teary waiting for trains to come down by the subway. I say randomly because it does not happen often, and when it does, it usually happens for now reason. Or at least I think no reason at that time.

It's the worst feeling in the world-that feeling of something being wrong, but having no hold of exactly what it is that is bothering you. It drives me crazy. Being one who has to make sense out of everything....working on that....

So it happened tonight. And I got back to Brooklyn. And I just could not figure out why I felt like something was completely out of whack. And I have already blamed enough on Mercury being in retrograde (and it's barely day 2) that I decided it couldn't be that....

Then I am in my room, scrambling to get stuff ready for the one class I have, but a day full of random things like physical therapy, meeting with an advisor, and meeting for exciting internship stuff seem to crowd into tomorrow's 'schedule.' It really is only tomorrow that my schedule is so a-wol, but then the whole thing donned on me. It was not the fact of tomorrow being a full day of exciting, new, and interesting endeavors...it's the simple and complex fact that tomorrow starts an actual schedule for me.

All summer, especially since the whole knee thinger, I have had sooooo much freedom. It has been amazing. Because up until this summer, my whole life (I really am not kidding) has been sketched out into a schedule-what I am doing each day, at what time, where at, etc. I literally used to plan out each day of every week. OCD, I know. Working on that too...anyway...then I decide to 'sketch out' this week. I put down the few classes I have, my intern days, and my work days. And I notice that it still seems 'empty.' Something was missing. I was trying to organize my life into a schedule-since I was soo accustomed to doing so prior to knee surgery-but it just wasn't the same. Crazy, right? Things not being the same? What is up with this whole complex we have of not being ok with change and difference and all that jazz? It's a bit ridiculous. But schedules bring so much security, comfort, and ease into lives.....until they change...or we change...

Because having to sit down and write out my day-to-day schedule was hard enough. It's like I am locking myself into days of the week again, whereas sometimes this past summer I had no idea what day it was, because I was just that free and not thinking of what time it was, what I had to be doing, etc.

I am running this down into the ground. I know. But I am not even at my main epiphony moment...

I realized that it's impossible for me not to have a schedule-at least as long as I have classes, work, an internship, and general places I have to be at. But there is a key element still missing from my schedule right now. And it's yoga at the studio, and running in the mornings. It's my training that I have come to be so machine-like in over the years. And it's missing right now. And though it's something I have been missing all summer, it just really hit me tonight (or this early morning if you want to get particular) because classes start today, and so does everything else. But as everything else is beginning, this part of my life is still at a standstill, still being held from me. It's a big hole in my schedule, and silly enough-in my life. It's important to me-going to yoga class and feeling the energy of the studio, and waking up in the morning and running, or running along the water.

I have to try and hold out for two more weeks. It's so hard though. I want to, need to, must run. But I just know that it could be a really stupid decision to make in general (let alone with Mercury retrograde going on, chances of further injury are probably much higher lol...). I have to make sure my femur bone is healed. And that means an x-ray on the 22nd. And that means I have to make it two more weeks. Two more weeks in this pseudo-schedule that has a hole in it. But I guess there is one thing about this hole I speak of (in my schedule), it's a kind of hole that can't be made any bigger, it's the kind of hole that can only be filled in.......in two weeks hopefully....

2009-09-07T02:13:00.002-04:00

While working on my very first painting a few years ago, I accidentally put a hole in the tar paper, and duck-taped the back to fix it.

You probably can't see it now. Or maybe you can.

But it's there.

Hair Horror Story

2009-09-04T22:30:00.002-04:00

A lot of people know that I very rarely get my hair cut or colored in NYC. Because no one ever cuts it 'right' or gets the color right. Usually I go back to PA, ridiculous-yes (but with reason!)

So I got tired of the black, it was bound to happen. It always does. So I decided to try again to get it back to platinum blond in the city. FAIL. And I even went to a legit salon. Or so I thought. But I also thought it would be possible to go from black to platinum. FAIL.

I spent a good 4 hours Thursday getting the black out/the salon attempting to get it white. It was blondish-brassy yellow, not the blonde I like. At all. I wasn't even that upset about the color. BUT THEN THE GUY CUT MY HAIR. I was like NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!? (for some reason every salon likes to play with my hair and not ask before doing so!??!?!) As soon as he took the scissors to the top, I knew the fate of my hair was over. I saw my fohawk disappear and fall to the ground. Needless to say, I was pissed. I was growing that out! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

So. My hair is uber short now. Probably not uber short but it sure feels it cause I can't play with it as much as I could before. LAME.

And today we tried to get the color corrected. It turned out 'better.' But certainly not blonde enough for me. But my hair has been so processed at this point I cannot do anything for at least another week or two.

My options being as follows:
1. Acknowledge the truth that my hair will grow out. That's what hair does. And deal with the color that it is now. Try and rock it.
2. Wait a week or two, and get it dyed to my natural color.
3. GI Jane it. I really don't want to do this. Not now at least. I know one day I will do it, just to prove that I can pull it off, but I really am not prepared to do it this soon. But it is already too short for my liking.

Oh the dilemma.

Maybe I will just grow it all out, LONG, and go for dreadlocks. Or just grow it long.

Probably not.

Titles

2009-08-29T17:03:00.002-04:00

Coming further along in this piece, and rethinking titles again, also narrowing down to maybe a few 'keepers'.....here are some brain-stormed ideas (starred ones are the ones I like):

-Wishbones & Wheaties (I still love this. It's my catch phrase.)**
- Recover(ing)
-An Independent Study
-So am I (This actually would kill two birds with one stone, seeing as I already have it tattooed..lol) **
-Adverse Reactions
-Adverse Effects
-No Significant Trauma **

Thoughts, ideas, suggestions, commentary????

2009-08-27T16:27:00.002-04:00

I realized today that something drives me crazy about this apartment.
And it's the fact that everyone bangs on my window! Now, yes, I know, it's a first floor apartment in a building without any buzzers-what should I expect? But that fist a' knockin' on the window is terrrrrrrrrrrible. Especially when it's delivery peeps, or randoms. And especially when it's at a high frequency.

Ok. Whew. That's off my chest. On to more important matters-like the status of my iPod...

So a few months ago I noticed my iPod would only play the audio through the right ear piece. Kind of annoying, right? Extremely. I did not want to risk my hearing being altered or strengthened/weakened since only one ear would be listening, so occasionally I would switch the working piece to my other ear. And I am not a fan of the whole Apple co., so I have put off going to the Apple Store. Until today, when I decided my ears deserved better.

And you know what? The workers there were not so bad. The guy told me my audio jack was messed up because of the way I wrap my headphones around the iPod (yes! so learn from me and do not wrap the cord around your iPod, unless you don't mind only hearing with one ear...). My first thought was 'Of course ! It's my fault!' then the next thought was 'I am so thankful for my iPod only having minor injuries. After all, it has taken a run in the rain with me, and a swim in the sink a few times also....'

So the gentleman told me to simply get an iPod remote radio, which hooks up through the bottom slot, and has its own headphone jack. He said I could get it for 50 bucks off of Amazon or eBay. But I got it new for about 35 (off Amazon). Boooo yahh. Soon enough, I will have audio in both ear pieces, as well as an AM/FM tuner on my iPod. WIN.

Progressing Slowly

2009-08-25T16:02:00.004-04:00

PT again today, with a notable quote from my PT while he was causing me much pain:
"If you were any less of a person, you wouldn't be able to handle this. But you were chosen for this."-S.

Somehow, in a matter of 4 days, I went from only being able to do (painful) semi-circles on a stationary bike, to full (painless) revolutions. I really have no explanation for this. Miracle. Most definitely.

Being on a bike and not being able to complete full revolutions was, as S. put it "humiliating, yes." That does not even give the amount of frustration justice.

Everyone knows I have little to no patience (R.I.P. Patience the Fish) when it comes to certain situations, and this whole leg recovery thing is one of those. Obviously, I am aware that I have to take it slow. And be careful. But it does not mean that I can not progress. That's such an interesting phenomenon- the concept of progressing slowly. It's something I have never followed, believed, or trusted. But I suppose now is as good a time as any.

Time is once again proving to be the best worst friend by simply passing.

Robots

2009-08-23T17:57:00.003-04:00

I have never really given much thought to the idea of robots running the world. It always seemed a little too futuristic for me. But reading Osho the other day, I decided to give robots a chance....

In Osho's book Intelligence, he talks about how if the world were run completely by robots, life would be much more enjoyable. I thought this surprising, because Osho never came across as one who would support technology and what not. But his points were strikingly valid. At one point in the book, he states:

"Everybody should be unemployed and paid-paid for being unemployed. Robots are doing the work, and you get the pay. And life becomes sheer joy.

Then you can meditate, you can dance, you can sing, you can go for world trips."

How awesome would that be? Robots would do all the work needed to be done, and we would still get paid, because the robots would be machines-thus not in need of monetary compensation. It's a very 'out-there' idea that machines could do all of the work, but still plausible considering we have come from fires to electricity to computers, etc.

I see a few problems with the idea, though. For one, it would take a very long time to actually manufacture the robots themselves-or of course a few robots would be created, and those robots could create the others. Either way, there would have to be a whole new job sources to the creation of these new machines.

Second, one is probably thinking that not every job can be replaced with a robot. Such as teachers, right? Well, I don't have a great explanation for this other than to argue that maybe the system of schools and universities would turn extinct. I don't really agree with this, but I am sure that it is something that would follow Osho's philosophy since he believes the education system actually makes us less intelligent, and that we are smarter as children when we are not yet filled with textbook information and memorized learnings. I see this as one of the problems facing a future of robotics-unless one would counter argue that no one would need schooling because life would simply be for the living and not the working...........

It's a far-out idea, yes. Could it happen? Maybe. Would it improve our lives by taking away monotonous work and allowing us to simply live? Who knows, everyone is different, and at this point most know that our happiness is not derived from anything but our own selves.

2009-08-18T02:15:00.003-04:00

It's late. As usual. I am up. And writing. And not just on this blog. Writing and forcing words and trying to almost purge myself of everything I have been putting off writing. It's done me no good, putting this off. So here I am up late into the morning trying to do the impossible. Trying to finish it so I can just sleep easy and have peace of mind.

As Ne-Yo says I am "tryin' to clear some mental space."

It's so hard though, because in the clearing, it's hard to not be overwhelmed with everything being cleared. It is kind of like cleaning your closet out and having to go all the way to the back. It's hard to not notice or simply ignore everything in the closet. It all has to be looked at. It all has to be sorted.

That probably was not the best metaphor to use, especially since I don't clean my closet. I am a neat person...

My stomach is all sorts of funny right now. But at least my knee isn't aching. Plus and minus tallies on the board.

Writing is so amazing. And I need it. And I have to do it. And it makes me feel better afterwards. But it is so incredibly hard and painful in itself. Not in finding the words necessarily, but in letting the words go and letting them simply be. So many emotions come up when I write. I guess that is what happens though. How could anyone write honestly and put a piece of himself/herself into whatever is being written without letting the emotions tickle and scratch at the soul?

I don't that is possible. If it is, then it destroys all meaning for words and books and writing. What is writing without the love and the hate and the release and the tension and the pleasure and the pain?

I guess just words.
If words can just be words....

2009-08-17T17:15:00.000-04:00

(Holley-I made the font bigger just for you, XOX)

So today was the first day of physical therapy and it started out a little something like this:

Old Woman sitting next to me waiting: Is it just me or is it warm in here?
Me: Well, it is warm in here, but it is HOT outside.
Old Woman: Yes, that is right.......
Old Woman: I like your hair style....It is cute!
Me (awkwardly because we all know I don't like it when people talk about me, in front of me lol) : Oh, thank you.
Old Woman: What do you call it?
Me (thinking what the??): Umm...well....uhh...I don't really call my hair anything.
Old Woman (surprised): Oh! Hmmm....Is it punk? I think it's punk.
Me: Ummmm..I don't really classify my hair style....

It was awkward. I don't really think I classify as 'punk' and I don't think my hair does either. Spunky? Perhaps? I wasn't even looking 'punk' in appearance. I had a grey wife-beater on, basketball shirts, flip flops, aviators (of course), but my nails are painted a deep magenta color right now--so maybe she mistook them for black and decided to throw me in the punk category. It was funny nonetheless.

As for the actual physical therapy part, it went well. The PT man checked out my range 'o motion on both legs and my right is not as far behind my left as I thought. I am at about 145 degrees on my left, and 105 on my right. And the average range is 135. It's a big improvement I think from only getting out of that immobilizer last Tuesday. He thinks that I was probably in great shape before the injury and surgery, so that is aiding in my quick recovery. Now I don't feel so bad about pulling those doubles at Prana and that 17 mile bike ride I went on before I found out my knee was a messy mess. He also said that I my knee might be ready to get back to yoga and running before my next appointment. But of course I have to cleared at that appointment and get the ok. So I am hoping to continue on with this speedy recovery, but I am hoping for patience as well. And as always.

Side note: Dream of last night....
A market of a sort.....

I don't feel like bothering to post what that is supposed to mean.
I could have figured that one out without looking it up.

More Dreams

2009-08-17T01:26:00.004-04:00

I have always had pretty vivid dreams, but lately dreams are really bothering me. Especially because I have been remembering them only when I go to sleep the next day. From now on I am just waking up after a dream, and writing it down. I just remembered that my dream last night involved a pretty decent sized SUZ of some sort, and some sort of animal-I am pretty sure it was a rhino, but I can't be 100% certain.

The interpretation for what a rhino represents :
(from http://www.dreamdictionary.mobi/rhinoceros.html)

Rhinoceros
"A rhinoceros symbolises determination and following through with your plans. Dreaming of a rhinoceros can be a message to you that you need to continue to work toward achieving your aims and not let anything divert you from your course. Dreaming of a rhinoceros can indicate that you are very determined. It can also mean that you are easily provoked and react without thinking clearly, or that you are thick-skinned and tend to ignore your feelings. The dream could be warning you that you need to allow yourself to be more vulnerable. A rhinoceros is a symbol of male sexuality. A rhinoceros horn can represent the third eye, traditionally the gateway to intuition, spirituality and enlightenment."

Another interpretation:
from (http://www.inoutstar.com/dream-interpretation/rhinoceros-117.html)
"Rhinoceros stand for upcoming difficulties and problems of all types in your waking life. You may be betrayed by people you trust or experience troubles in business. One way or the other, the rhinoceros should be associated with great loss, therefore be more cautious and careful about what happens in your life. This is why you should be prepared to manage the hidden danger which lurks just around the corner."

It's almost 2am, I am still up-that's been the usual. I really need to get back to a morning wake up hour. Waking up at a lunch time hour doesn't work on multiple levels. I am wondering if I'll have another dream tonight. If I do, I plan on scribbling it down asap so I can maybe get some sort of clearer insight as to what they mean. But -sigh- I am not ready for sleep. But it will come soon enough. That's just how it works.

Dreams have to mean something...there has to be meaning behind it. I doubt our brains are just giving us a late-night show. It can't be so....

Osho

2009-08-15T19:37:00.003-04:00

Some good quotes from Osho's book on Intelligence:

"Sometimes when you say, "I don't know," it is not necessarily coming out of understanding. It may be simply that you cannot open your bag. It may be that you cannot open your memories, or you are not able to find something in the memory; you need time. You say, "I don't know. Give me time, let me think about it." What will you do by thinking? If you know, you know; if you don't know, you don't know. What are you going to think about? But you say, "Give me time, I will think about it." What are you saying? You are saying, "I will have to go into the basement of my mind and search. And there is such rubbish accumulated through the years that is is difficult to find, but I will do my best."

"The person who is insulting you may be right. He may have simply revealed a truth to you and that's why you feel insulted. Or he may be absolutely wrong, or he may be just a nasty person. But you have to look into the person-if he is right, you have to thank him because he has shown something to you. He has shown compassion toward you, he has been friendly by bringing a truth to your heart. Maybe it hurts, but that is not his fault."

Dreams

2009-08-15T16:34:00.002-04:00

I had a tornado dream last night. It's been a while since I have had one of these. And of course, I believe that dreams have a great connection to our lives, and are somehow related to the course of what is going on within us and around us.

I don't quite feel like going into details about the dream, but here is a general interpretation of what it means when a tornado makes an appearance in one's dream:

(source : http://www.jeremytaylor.com/pages/tornadoes_storms.html )

"Each time we dream of "tornadoes", these ancient, collective layers of symbolic association reveal themselves anew. Each "dream tornado" is, at some level, a harbinger of change, in the psyche as well as the waking world. Although only the dreamer can say for sure what his or her dream images mean, dream "tornadoes" are compelling metaphors of the individual and collective social change that we "feel", (that we know in our secret heart of hearts), is necessary , and is coming. We intuit, as dreamers, that ultimately the "power of this impending storm" is not just a consequence of incomplete human consciousness and planning failure alone. The forces of change are also "forces of nature" - "divine forces", like nature herself. The dream "tornado", over and over again, turns out to be symbol of the dreamer's own personal relationship to the deepest unasked and unanswered psycho-spiritual questions is his/her life, and these issues always have transpersonal implications as well."

"When such tornado dreams are remembered, it means that the dreamers are, in fact, equal to the psycho-spiritual tasks of increasing self-awareness and self-acceptance that the unknown frightening future demands, whether they feel or believe they are equal to these tasks, or not. ALL dreams come in the service of health & wholeness, and that means that NO dream, (even the dream of the 'terrifying tornado"), ever comes to say: "Nyeah, nyeah, nyeah - you have these problems and you can't do anything about them...!"
To have and remember such a dream is an invitation to the individual dreamer to search even more deeply within for the creative energies that are given shape in the "dream tornado" itself, for this image is, at another important level, a spontaneous symbolic meditation on the divine, as-yet unknown, unconscious creative energy that resides within each evolving human psyche.The dream tornado is an indication of the as-yet-unused-and only-intuited power of our own human ability to grow and change and evolve - the creative ability to change both ourselves and our planet in the process of our development. As long as such dreams continue to be remembered, there is every reason to believe that we can and will grow beyond even these "earth shaking" problems that our incomplete sorcerer's apprenticeship in consciousness itself have created. At this level, the "dream tornadoes" are a manifestation of that archetypal creative energy bubbling up in the collective psyche, asking for morally responsible creative expression in waking life."

Getting in Shape: Back to Basics

2009-08-12T12:56:00.002-04:00

When I first got 'interested' in health and fitness, I started with the basics. I mainly used light weights and some simple cardio. Eventually I trained, and trained, and trained some more, and finally became interested in triathlons and the wonderful world of yoga. Now with my leg still out of commission (countdown t-minus 6 weeks), triathlons are on hold til next season, and I am limited in what I can do to keep (somewhat) 'in shape.' Though limited, I have turned back to the simplicity of exercise-stretching, light weights (upper body only), and modified yoga.

I try to do all three everyday in the morning. I keep it light and careful, but it is a nice and easy way to at least feel like I am keeping my body somewhat healthy. And before, where as I felt like I had to physically push myself to train or keep in shape, now I am returning to the simplicity of exercise: releasing endorphins, and feeling good! It is amazing how doing so little (compared to what I used to do) can have the same effect (if not a greater one).

I feel like I am starting back at square one in terms of being in the best shape I can be in for triathlon racing. But what I have come to realize is that though I may be starting back at the beginning, I am now equipped with a whole new set of tools that will make my journey to complete well-being more enjoyable, rewarding, and successful. I will be travelling on this road with the knowledge that though training and exercise provide many physical and outward benefits, the real gain can only be achieved through turning inward, and reaping the rewards there.

Exercise goes beyond the physical. Its doing falls with one's intention, and so what one gains will correlate to that which one expects out of it.

Yes, exercise releases endorphins, and can make one seem to feel 'good.' But in order to reap the true and pure feelings of goodness, satisfaction, and happiness, everything must start from within.

It can be a life-changing, life-saving lesson...

We all have to train ourselves from within.

2009-08-11T00:56:00.000-04:00

Thank you

Bucket List

2009-08-07T23:23:00.003-04:00

If I end up not being invincible, I'd like to check these off before I kick the bucket: (please note: list is subject to addition)

-Watch the Iditarod (or race in it)
-Swim in the coral reefs of Aussie
-travel (India, Indonesia, Egypt, Africa, Ireland, everywhere)
-La Tomatia
-walk under a large waterfall
- ride every line of the subway in NYC
- swing from a rope into some sort of natural water
- cliff jump
- witness the eruption of a volcano
-watch a NYC sunset/sunrise by the water
- take a picture in one of those lifguarding chairs on the beach
-spend a night on the beach
-dig for a fossil
-swim in the Hudson
-ride the tea cups at Coney Island (uptown girls shout out)
- be someone else for a day
- go to a drive-in movie
-road trip across the U.S.
- live on a boat for a short time
- cultivate a garden
- silent retreat
- ride in a sailboat
- make and cook a full meal from scratch
- find a four leaf clover
- beat the impossible level of the game Mahjongg on addictinggames.com
- dance under the street lights (shout out Notebook)
- run a marathon
- work with a spiritual healer
-walk through a corn maze
-ride a train through the mountains in the wintertime
- go on a safari
- save a life
- to be continued...

Try

2009-08-06T23:10:00.000-04:00

All I can do is try.

2009-08-05T21:50:00.003-04:00

Last night I went to a yin yoga class. My mom took me to the studio where she practices, thinking that the class would be perfect for me-since most of the poses were done sitting down.

The class was exactly what I needed. Todd, the instructor, was amazing. He taught the class so I would be able to do every posture, which meant everything was straight legged. I was so grateful just to be in the class, on a mat, breathing, and listening to him speak about the chakras, let alone have him tell me that he would teach that night's class so I would be able to do all of the postures.

The class helped me to re-center. It reminded me that I have breath, I can do some poses/stretches, and right now, that is enough.

2009-08-04T19:00:00.002-04:00

So badly needing child's pose right now...

Many

2009-08-03T23:47:00.002-04:00

Many things to do.
Many choices to make.

People Keep Asking...

2009-07-31T23:02:00.002-04:00

So, many have asked if they can read my manuscript thus far. A few have read an old rendition that has given birth to the current culmination. But no one (besides the professors that are working with me on this project) has read what will hopefully be the final piece...so I decided to make a play list of songs that follow the outline of my project (thus far), but certainly cannot account for all the words...

Check it out...it might give you a better idea of this work of mine...or it might just make you want to know more lol. Leave your thoughts and comments. xoxo

i
1. "closer to love"- Mat Kearney
2. "story of my life"-Bon Jovi
3. "who knew"-Pink
4."I'll be missing you"-Diddy
5. "the truth"-Good Charlotte
6."left behind"-Duncan Sheik
7.. "everybody's free"-Quindon Tarver
8. "drive myself crazy"-N Sync
9. "broken strings"- James Morrison
10. "who you'd be today"- Kenny Chesney
11. "if i could"-Jack Johnson
12. "view from heaven"-Yellowcard
13. "those you've known"- Spring Awakening soundtrack

ii.
1. "killing me softly-" Lauren Hill
2. "bittersweet symphony"- Verve
3. "never thought i'd fall in love with you"-Billy Ray Cyrus
4. "colorblind"-Counting Crows
5. " everybody knows"-J Legend
6. "breakeven"- The Script
7. "the man who can't be moved"-The Script
8. "the stranger"-Melissa Ferrick
9. "heart of the matter"-India Arie
10. "what you thought you need"-Jack Johnson
11. "we're going to be friends"-Jack Johnson
12. "perfect symmetry"- Keane
13. "i'll be your water"-Keb Mo

iii.
1. "arms of an angel"-Sarah Mclachlan
2."rehab"- Amy Winehouse
3."we can be heroes"- The Wallflowers
4."losing my way"-J Timberlake
5."live your life"-TI
6."don’t stop believing"-Journey
7."mary jane"-Alanis Moirrsette
8."amazing"-Seal
9."live your life"-TI
10."trouble in my head"-Melissa Ferrick
11. "if I ever feel better"-Phoenix
12."true to myself"-Ziggy Marley
13. "one step closer to you"-Michael Franti

Bright Side/Down Side 1

2009-07-31T22:40:00.002-04:00

On the bright side of being in PA....

Next week is Shark Week on the Discovery Channel and home has the cable to watch it!
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/01/arts/television/01shark.html?_r=1&hp

On the down side of being in PA...
No bodegas within walking distance...oh wait....no bodegas in general...

Scrabble-2 letter words

2009-07-28T23:55:00.002-04:00

So, being immobile means a lot of reading, a lot of writing, and a lot of Scrabble. I decided to look up the official 2-letter word list on http://www.hasbro.com/scrabble/en_US/2LetterList.cfm, and I must say that the list is kind of disheartening. A lot of the words, in my opinion, are not legit. I put the ones in bold that I think should not be allowed. Most are ones that I just don't believe are what Hasbro say they are (definitions, words, and everything are from above website)

AA: n pl. –S rough, cindery lava
AB: n pl. –S an abdominal muscle
AD: n pl. –S an advertisementAE: adj one
AG: adj pertaining to agriculture-----------------------------> hello, slang?!
AH: interj – used to express delight, relief, or contempt
AI: n pl. –S a three-toed sloth
AL: n pl. –S an East Indian tree
AM: present 1st person sing. of BEAN: indefinite article – used before words beginning with a vowel
AR: n pl. –S the letter RAS: adv to the same degree
AT: prep in the position of
AW: interj – used to express protest, disgust, or disbelief
AX: v –ED, -ING, -ES to work on with an ax (a type of cutting tool)
AY: n pl. –S aye
BA: n pl. –S the eternal soul in Egyptian mythology
BE: v AM, ARE, ART, WAS, WERE, WAST, WERT, BEEN, BEING to have actuality
BI: n pl. –S bisexual
BO: n pl. –S a pal--------------------------------------------?
BY: n pl. –S a pass in certain card games
DE: prep of; from – used in names------------------------------->spanish much?
DO: n pl. –S the first tone of the diatonic scale
ED: n pl. –S education
EF: n pl. –S the letter FEH: interj – used to express doubt
EL: n pl. –S an elevated railroad or train
EM: n pl. –S the letter MEN: n pl. –S the letter MER: interj – used to express hesitation
ES: n pl. ESES the letter S (also spelled ESS)
ET: a past tense of EAT--------------------------------> whaaaaaaaaaaaa?
EX: n pl. EXES the letter X
FA: n pl. –S the fourth tone of the diatonic musical scale
FE: n –FES a Hebrew letter
GO: v WENT, GONE, GOING, GOES to move along
HA: n pl. –S a sound of surpriseHE: n pl. –S a male person
HI: interj – used as a greetingHM: interj – used to express thoughtful consideration
HO: interj – used to express surprise
ID: n pl. –S a part of the psyche
IF: n pl. –S a possibility
IN: v INNED, INNING, INS to harvest
IS: v present 3d person sing. of BEIT: pron the 3rd person sing. of BE
JO: n pl. -ES a sweetheart
KA: n pl. –S the spiritual self of a human being in Egyptian religion
KI: n pl. -S the vital force in Chinese thought
LA: n pl. –S the sixth tone of the diatonic musical scale
LI: n pl. a Chinese unit of distance
LO: interj – used to attract attention or to express surprise
MA: n pl. –S mother
ME: pron the objective case of the pronoun I
MM: interj – Used to express assent or satisfaction
MO: n pl. –S a momentMU: n pl. –S a Greek letter
MI: n pl. –MIS the third tone of the diatonic musical scale
MY: pron the possessive form of the pronoun I
NA: adv no; not
NE: adj born with the name of (also NEE)
NO: n pl. NOS or NOES a negative reply
NU: n pl. –S a Greek letter
OD: n pl. –S a hypothetical force of natural power
OE: n pl. –S a whirlwind off the Faeroe Islands
OF: prep coming from
OH: v –ED, -ING, -S to exclaim in surprise, pain, or desire
OI: v – oy--used to express dismay or pain
OM: n pl. –S a mantra used in contemplation of ultimate reality
ON: n pl. –S the side of the wicket where a batsman stands in cricket
OP: n pl. –S a style of abstract art
OR: n pl. –S the heraldic color gold
OS: n pl. –S ORA, OSSA, or OSAR either an orifice, a bone, or an esker
OW: interj – used to express sudden pain
OX: n pl. OXEN or OXES a hoofed mammal or clumsy person
OY: interj – used to express dismay or pain
PA: n pl. –S a father
PE: n pl. –S a Hebrew letter
PI: v PIED, PIEING, PIING, or PIES to jumble or disorder
QI: n pl. -S the vital force that in Chinese thought is inherent in all things
RE: n pl. –S the second tone of diatonic musical scale
SH: interj – used to urge silence------------------------> maybe shh, but one 'h'-really?
SI: n pl. –S ti
SO: n pl. –S the fifth tone of the diatonic musical scale
TA: n pl. –S an expression of gratitude
TO: prep in the direction of
TI: n TIS the seventh tone of the diatonic musical scale
UH: interj – used to express hesitation
UM: interj – used to express hesitation
UN: pron pl. –S one
UP: v UPPED, UPPING, UPS to raise
US: pron the objective case of the pronoun we
UT: n pl. –S the musical tone C in the French solmization system, now replaced by do
WE: pron the 1st person pl. pronoun in the nominative case
WO: n pl. –S woe
XI: n pl. –S a Greek letter
XU: n pl. XU a monetary unit of Vietnam
YA: pron youYE: pron you
YO: interj – used to call attention or express affirmation
ZA: n pl. -S a pizza

2009-07-14T17:14:00.003-04:00

Isn't it interesting what we question in terms of existence? We sometimes question that which we cannot see. Yet look at air. One cannot see air. One can only feel the movement of air through winds and breezes, light and strong. Certainly there is much to this world that we cannot see, but simply feel....

---

Why parasailing works and why people do it, according to me: Parasailing is trust in motion. Those who go for the thrill have trust in the parachute. Air keeps the parachute functioning. To fear disaster in parasailing would be to not trust in the way's of Earth and air. It would be impossible for the parachute to just stop and cease working (unless there is some mechanical malfunction of course). If it would do so, it would mean that somehow air 'disappeared' or no longer existed. And if this happened.......

Trust in the ways of the universe. Sounds like Osho...

Repetition

2009-07-13T17:44:00.003-04:00

I realized that I often write about or talk about the same things. But at different times. And without realizing that I had explored their meanings before, until I stumble upon its past evidence.

But each time it seems so fresh, so new.

Isn't this interesting...

Jackson, Drugs, and the word "Accidental"

2009-07-11T01:11:00.003-04:00

The news is still all over Michael Jackson's death. His life was controversial, and as pattern seems to follow, so is his death. News sites have been reporting possible homicide along with accidental drug overdose as cause of death, though toxicology reports are still being processed. But, and this may be completely harsh-but the truth nonetheless, what difference will it make?

Whether it is found to be that it was homicide or "accidental" drug overdose, nothing will change. In fact, I would not be surprised if this story fades out as more and more facts roll in. Homicide would surely put the blame on foul play. And an "accidental" drug overdose would be played off just as such: accidental.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/Music/07/10/jackson.thursday/index.html

The article above is from CNN and sites that Jackson was abusing Xanax-and at one point may have been taking up to 30-40 pills/night. (Not to mention what else he could have been taking along with that.) How does one put that into the category of "accidental?" Clearly, Jackson had an addiction to drugs-whether they were legal or not. He had a reliance on these pills for whatever reason, which led to an obvious addiction. To be abusing those pills in such large quantities can only mean that he had been abusing the drug for an extended period of time. He built up a tolerance for the drug, forcing him to increase dosage, which ultimately created an addiction.

I would like to think that no one really sets off with the intention to become addicted to a substance. In fact, I am quite sure this is not the case. Individuals who abuse to the point of addiction do so not because they are addicted to the substance, but because they are addicted to that which ultimately comes from abusing the substance-the feeling, the emotion, the relief, whatever it be. Physically taking the substance is not the addiction; that is the habit and behavior.

Addictions, in this way, seem accidental. Accidental meaning it occurred without being intended.

But when the word 'accidental' is put before 'drug overdose,' as may be the case with Jackson, I cannot help but to cringe. This may seem contradictory to what I just said above-that addictions are accidental. And it is I suppose. But just try to hear my case as best I can explain it...

I think that addictions can be accidental, yes. But I also think that like any accident, one is responsible. If I were to spill milk all over the kitchen floor, it would be an accident (because who likes milk spilled all over the floor), but I would clean up the mess. I understand that this is a terribly different scenario when compared to drugs, but it is almost 2 a.m. and spilled milk analogies are universal....

When one is at the point of abusing a dangerous amount of pills or whatever it may be, like Jackson, every usage is in fact an overdose. Anything more than recommended and needed is too much. Too much meaning over the recommended dosage. Meaning an overdose. One knows when one is taking too many. Jackson, if he was taking the amount news reports claim, was overdosing repeatedly. It was no accident that he had taken that many pills that day-that became routine. It just so happened that with this overdose, his death followed.

It was no accident that he took that many pills. "Accidental overdose" does not allot the proper responsibility. It is far too kind a claim, especially in Jackson's case. His death certificate would be more honest to state something along the lines of "accidental death caused by overdose." It was not a suicide attempt, so death was not his purpose. It just happened to be the final overdose his body could take.

Maybe Jackson's death should shed more light on society, how we manage our lives and pain, addiction, responsibility, and recovery rather than focusing on his controversial yet monumental moonwalking, news-breaking, life......

Too much thinking at this hour

2009-07-02T00:23:00.001-04:00

It's after midnight and I can't seem to get to sleep...surprise. Mainly because of this, mainly because of that, and also because of the conversation Rachel, Kelly, and I had at The Frying Pan (this pretty sweet, secret ship-restaurant that is out on the Hudson..two thumbs up in my book, but I'm no Zagat). The conversation was about soul mates vs. marriage. (Somehow I always manage to get myself into these little queries...)

It may be because I am 20 years old, a dreamer at heart and a love fool, but I believe in soul mates versus marriage. Ok ok ok, hold up, let me explain...or try to....

Rachel proposed me the question of 'what is your definition of a soul mate?' And I don't really have that answer. I tried to look it up on Urban Dictionary and I even searched on Wikipedia to find an answer that might correlate to my own beliefs. But alas, nothing was found except some interesting theories. (Wikipedia soul mate and read up on Aristophenes' theory.) So my definition of a 'soul mate' is still in the works....

I don't know the easiest way to dictate this mess of an explaination, so I'll start with some bullet points:

- I think that individuals can and do have more than one soul mate out there (this is why I cannot agree with Aristothenes' theory-in summary it says that man was originally two faces, four arms, four legs, etc and Zeus decided to split the body in half-thus one's other half is essentially the other's, well, for lack of better words at this hour, other half...obviously this reaches a more spiritual level, since I think we can all rest assured that we weren't severed in half at birth/prior to...but regardless, it doesn't work for me because like I stated, I think that there are multiple soul mates 'out there.'

- I think that marriage, today, is more about security and less about love/ an eternal vow. Marriage today offers many benefits-financial, professional, etc. This makes marriage kind of like a 'package deal.' It's like saying you can have this person you love til death parts you, and we are going to throw in some extra 'stuff' because you guys decided to tie the knot. Alright, so who doesn't love the extra stuff? But if marriage today did not include some of the benefits it carries, would people still get married? What's so wrong with living and spending your life with the person-if both individuals know that in their hearts that this is the person they love, then why the need for marriage? Isn't enough to simply know, trust, and believe in the love, rather than to 'prove' it through marriage?

-I think that this is where my soul mate thing comes into play.....I don't think that two people should have to get married in order to laminate the relationship. Even if he/she does believe that there is no other person for him/her and they plan on spending the rest of their lives together, why not be content with this alone? I think that a pledged vow or marriage certificate cannot compare to a spiritual vow made between two individuals. In fact, I don't think any vow is necessary. Because if it is in fact true, pure love, than the vow is natural, it already exists, it is already there.

-I think getting legally married puts a lot of pressure on the relationship (ok, obviously). And the problem with this is that love, like all things in life, can change. Love can grow stronger, love can fade, and love can leave. A marriage, that sacred vow of 'til death do us part,' speaks of permanence. But if things change, people change, and the love changes-then the pair seems stuck between choosing to break the vow, or working through it. (And many a time, the relationship can be worked out, but it is in these times that the issue probably does not revolve around love at all, but other circumstances). Love can change in intensity over time, that's the point I am trying to make here.

I also want to point out that one can marry his/her soul mate; in no way am I saying that if a couple gets married it lessens their chances of being 'soul mates.' I think what I am trying to say is that a couple should not need to get married in order to prove their eternal love for one another. But in today's world, the concept of marriage and all that it holds in terms of society is a pulling force and symbol.

So, I guess if I had to form a definition of what a soul mate is, it would be this : a soul mate is one who does not 'complete another individual's half,' but is one who allows that individual to realize the part of himself/herself which was before unknown-the part being that which was always present, but may not have been evident to the beholder. A soul mate can be anyone (a friend, relative, or lover), but the two individuals do not have to have a reciprocation of realization of selves . For when there is an equal reciprocation of realization, and only then, can the two be termed "soul mates."

Living in the BK

2009-07-01T15:11:00.001-04:00

After about 3 months of living in Brooklyn, I have compiled some interesting notes about the neighborhood. Some would say I live in East Williamsburg. Some say I live in Bushwick. It really doesn't matter. Anyway, the distinction of the neighborhood is besides the point...

1. Ice cream trucks in Brooklyn are hard core: I don't quite understand this ice cream truck thing they have going on. In good old PA, we have Mister Softy, but he is not carousing the streets at odd hours of the day. He runs a normal route, something between the hours of maybe noon and 8pm. In Brooklyn this just is not the case. The trucks are out at the oddest hours. I have heard their silly little jingles in the hours of the morning, and into the late hours of the night. Many a friend have suggested that maybe Mister Softy is not selling ice cream novelties at all.....I'll leave that up to you...

2. The protocol for a car accident....: The other night, a car crashed right into the factory behind our apartment. It was a pretty obvious crash, there was the peeling of rubber before it, and a big old CRASH that sounded like metal on metal. Well, it was. The driver apparently got out of the car, went to buy a water at the corner bodega (which is the next topic) and he came back a few minutes later. Both air bags went off, and the car was obviously totaled. There was a huge crowd that gathered on the corner. Most of us stood around rehashing the sounds we had heard, the ultimate CRASH. A few brave ones went right up to the car, looked around and inside it. But no one called the cops or an ambulance. Now, I understand the guy was able to get out and walk, but he was most definitely trashed or on something. So, apparently, if there is no bloodshed, just go back inside.....

3. The L train shuttle bus is kind of like that one shenanigan where a bunch of people try to jam themselves into a tiny little car in order to win the car: ...except there is no prize. The shuttle bus that has been running late nights and weekends is one of the downfalls for those of us who reside off the L. Hopping it in the early morning or even later in the day is not so bad, but if you happen to need to hop it during prime time hours-be prepared for an amazing race of sorts. When the shuttle drops you off at Lorimer, everyone practically runs to the L train, only to see that it has just pulled off the tracks. Getting off the L train and heading for the shuttle is even better. People have caught on to strategically sit on the end carts of the train (because it is closer to the hallway that leads from the train, through the hallway, up the stairs, and to the shuttle). So when the train arrives at 'the last stop,' everyone hustles out and tries to do what I like to call the quick-step walk/run. This can be described as a kind of speed walk, but every few steps, the person will break out into a sprint for about 2 paces, and return to shuffling their feet as quickly as possible. Don't even get me started on lining up for the actual shuttle bus....or actually trying to grab a piece of pole to hold onto while on the shuttle itself. In point, the shuttle should be avoided at all costs-oh and it might be a good idea to carry an ice cold water in case the person next to you faints.

4. Bodegas don't have set prices: or some of them try to rip a white girl off. I used to buy an occasional candy bar at the cost of one dollar. That was when I first moved into 'the hood.' The last time I grabbed one a few weeks ago, it cost 75 cents.....now I know better.

2009-03-27T00:14:00.000-04:00

So very soon will I be moving into a new chapter of my life - I will be leaving the dorms, and entering into the world of apartments. The apartment we have is a gem. I think it would probably qualify as one of the best apartments in Brooklyn, if there was a contest or something. It's just that amazing. It is going to be a little home for us.

Some probably object to me calling it home; afterall, my first and true home is with my family. But this apartment is going to be a home nonetheless. I am going to have two homes. Though my life my be finding root in the city, my family will always be with me. Distance in miles is not of trouble. Family is and will always be right in my heart. So for those out there thinking that I am 'leaving everything behind,' worry not. If you really know me, you know that those I love-I love fully and truly. And if you really, really know me-than you know that one of the hardest things for me is to say goodbye, and to leave the ones I love (or to have the ones I love leave me). But I know that those of you who this message is directed towards are truly family, truly those whose love can never be shaken, I know that I am not leaving anything behind. Because love is one of the miracles of life-it has wings, it goes where you go, where I go, where we go.

We all have our lives to live, our journeys to take. And I have mine. For whatever reason it may be, my journey finds me here in the city. I am present here. And my love for everyone will always and still reside.

It would be a lie to say that I am not psyched for this new beginning. This city has taught me so much, shown me so much color, and has painted me with its hopes and dreams.

But of course it will be different, and of course I will miss many a thing. Family, summer pool days, lifeguarding, the WR, bike rides where you can cycle without stoplights and raging taxis, driving in my Chevy Cav with the music pumping, Ritas (yes, Ritas), summer nights, and so much more.

But there is much I am looking forward to. This city has shown me promise. This city and I have duked it out in the past. We've loved each other. And we have hated each other. But we have made ammends. And this city has promised me good fortune. I see the fortune everyday. And what a fortune it is.

So raise your cups in the air. Cheers to the past and the future, but most importantly-cheers to the present.

wishbones. wheaties. and love.
b.

2009-03-04T13:15:00.000-05:00

March is proving me wrong and being pretty beautiful.
Raw juices are actually amazing too-definitely make veggies a friendlier food group.

Here's a good little mixture to try out:
1 green apple
1 large carrot-bugs bunny size or just a bunch of little ones
a slice of lemon
some ice cubes (3-4)
and a bit o water

2009-02-28T23:56:00.001-05:00

Quotes :
"Love isn't enough."
"Stop chasing after things and realize that everything you need is already right here, within."

March Goals:
The goal of March, in summary is to clean up life. But can be broken down into the following:

1. Complete juice detox: healthy body.
2. Stop training for races; train because I simply want to-where this puts the half-marathon in April I don't know.
3. Ok, race in the Indoor Tri Championships on the 15th: top 3.
4. Write, Write, Write
5. Forget about some things, remember some things
6. Find an apartment with my future roomies
7. Find a new job that is more secure-a job that suits me better-something in wellness? writing? yoga?
8. Paint: I have one project that needs to get done this month. But I am also in the process of maybe kick-starting up a series; maybe trying to get some work together to seriously put together a functioning portfolio.
9. Find meaning.

Okay so I just threw in number nine because as a thinker, I cannot help but to look for meaning. In everything. I like finding purpose. Not simply because I think everything has purpose. But because everything should be given purpose.....

2009-02-25T22:35:00.000-05:00

Well, I am not Catholic, but here are some things I could give up for Lent:

1. Chocolate
2. Baked Goods (tried this last year..but then you get stuck asking yourself whether or not something really is a baked good. it's far too complicated.)
3. Over-analyzing
4. Economics II (oh wait, I think I already made this a pass/fail class, so it has already been given up...)
5. My favorite, long sleeve, blue shirt
6. My iPod
7. Texting
8. Facebook
9. Peanut butter sandwiches
10. Frosted Mini Wheats

So maybe this list should be called "Things I could probably never give up for Lent."
But I think I will give up Frosted Mini Wheats. I had them today. So, I guess my 40 days will start tomorrow...

2009-02-17T22:27:00.000-05:00

Some of what I learned/ was reminded of while taking a little leave:

~The stars shine bright, even if you cannot see them in the city at night, you have to trust that they are out there-cause they are. So even if you cannot see them, still wish upon 'em.
~One would think that you would not be able to see a flock of geese fly at night, but you can! And it's a sight.
~Sometimes you just have to be able to recognize when you need time for yourself. And you have to take it.
~Pandora sometimes tricks you and plays a song it played 2 songs ago, thinking you will not realize it. What Pandora doesn't realize is that there are people out there like me that will and do. So please, Pandora, fix this. You cannot get it by me anymore. I'll just next the song. I will and have. Try me again.
~45 degree weather in PA is not equivalent to 45 degree weather in NYC. I don't care what the thermometer reads.
~My road bike is awefully pretty, which means I do not ride it enough. It'll be coming to the city soon though....and then I will probably crash and wreck its beauty.
~I don't just eat Frosted Mini Wheats at school, I also eat them when I am at home. So, it's not deprevation, it is choice. (Yes, Em, you were right.)
~The only thing better than reading books written first-hand about loss, addiction, love, and wellness is writing one myself and knowing that one day, I am going to be working with the people who live the lives interesting enough to be written about. And this makes me realize that I am finally going to be studying what I should have been all along. And it makes me smile.
~I really don't like working out in gyms anymore. Or on machines. All I need are my legs to run with, a bike to cycle on, and I guess some water to swim in. Ok, so a pool, I need a pool but I am not classifying the 'pool' part of a gym as part of the gym itself. It's not.
~ Wearing sunglasses reminds me of summer. So I am going to wear them more.
~The funniest person I know is about 4 years old. And is pretty much a remedy to any pain.
~I really, really, really hate politics. At any and all levels.
~I expect a lot out of those around me because I expect a lot out of myself. Don't be mad at this. I just think that if I can be great, well hell you can too. And it's because I believe you can.
~The more I think about it, being a spiritual healer would be pretty bad-ass.
~If you read a book without underlining that which fancies your poetic memory, you are just reading. You have to make the book yours. A book isn't meant to be read one way. It's meant to be read your way. (So when my book is published, please write in it and make it yours. Cause my story isn't unique to just me. There will be something in it for everyone.)
~ Everything is about the experience. Don't try and argue otherwise. I did. Doesn't work. Just give in and let that fact ring its own truth.
~A million different people can tell you the same thing, but it's not until you say it yourself that it matters.
~"breakeven" is not a good song to listen to at times like these. I think that Liv should tell me to turn it off the next time it plays.....or I could just delete it? no.....cause when you delete things you end up wishing you had not....kind of like defriending people on Facebook....lol (kinda) Em and Liv.
~You cannot be anyone else's hero until you save yourself.

2009-02-16T23:17:00.001-05:00

If only you knew.

2009-02-15T19:15:00.000-05:00

Driving out of the tunnel, I looked over to the city.I had never seen it so bright. So colorful. The buildings shimmered with all colors, it glistened shamelessly, almost apologetically.

I sat in my usual seat. Front. Looking out through the window. On my way to PA.

I hated the city. Before.

But I love it now. It’s my new home.

But it swallows you sometimes. Sort of swallows you into a swell of a tide. And no matter how well you can swim. No matter how well you have braved the waters before, your muscles still tire. And when the oceans calm, you need the time to just sit with the sand beneath you.

And of course I wished upon the stars once the skyline opened up.

I could not call myself a dreamer if I had not.

It’s the stars in the sky. The pennies I pick up. The wishbones I carry yet stall to break. It’s the dreams of hope and promise. Of anything and everything. Of all.

2009-02-09T19:58:00.000-05:00

"La vita ѐ bella " Life is beautiful-in my Mother's handwriting.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe in fate. I believe in destiny.

But I don't believe in time. I am still not convinced of the whole 'time heals all wounds' things.
But I do believe that life is beautiful. Miserably beautiful at times, but beautiful nonetheless. Always.

2009-02-09T09:13:00.000-05:00

They tore it up last night. Just sayin'.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlllR6i1KaI

2009-02-05T21:27:00.000-05:00

Today I bought a fish. He is a Beta fighter fish. He is blue. His name is Patience.

We already had our first scare, less than 12 hours into it. I was changing the water. He fell in the sink. And was flopping around. I was too scared to pick him up with my hand, so I had to grab a spoon and try to scoop him to safety. Luckily, I did. He sure does have some great lungs or gills. Whew. It was close. I probably should not be allowed to have pets. I think I had a goldfish once that maybe lasted a week or two, at most. But I think Patience has promise. We just have to work on a new method to change the water, then there won't be anymore scares.

Speaking of fish, here is a video:
I plan on teaching all this to Patience
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mB6Zyd8xKUg

2009-02-03T15:28:00.000-05:00

It's a new month. One of the best months. Because it's the shortest. February.So much has been going on. Where to begin, what to share, hmmmmm....

Quotes:
“Oh thank goodness, sit down. You are way too bright to go into sports management.”
“You are doing the right thing.”
“If it’s meant to be, it will be.”

Well, for one, I came to the conclusion that I have one life to live. (I know, this is pretty groundbreaking.) Ok, laugh out loud, but really.I think out of all my epiphanies, this one may be the greatest yet. I am determined that with this one life I have to live, I am going to purely live it. That's it. I also decided that I will never work a 'real' job. I am going to follow through on some dreams I should have been chasing all along. I'm going to write, travel, see the world, experience as many cultures I can, be enlightened, and love. (Which leads to a change in major.......)

I cannot say how many times I have heard people say "Live each day as if it were your last." And I cannot say how many times these same people use this little mantra as reasoning to go crazy (go crazy go crazy, sung to the tune of Lil A's song...sorry random lil cousin reference). Anyway, people use it as some sort of excuse to live dangerously. And that's not how I interpret it. To me, living each day as if it were your last means to love each day as if it were your last; interact with each loved one as if you may never see that person again, ever. Tell them you love them, never give up the chance to have that 'last moment' with loved ones. You never know what day will be the last. And that last moment, that last goodbye, is something you can never get back in life. Believe me. So, here's a little mantra for ya: "Love each day as if it were your last." Simple. La vita è bella.

Here is another lesson: Never say that you will never do something. Because, chances are, you will. You will surprise yourself. And do it. No worries, though, it’s alright.

My brother has 4 tattoos. And though his are pretty awesome pieces of artwork, I have always said that I will NEVER get a tattoo. Well, I guess that is what one thinks until the discovery is made of that certain something that is perfect enough, and fitting enough, to be made permanent and part of oneself. La vita è bella.

Word.

2009-01-28T15:33:00.000-05:00

This post should probably come with a disclaimer.
I am writing this as I find myself in a sarcastic, edgy mood.

Quotes from the day:
"It's pretty intricate. I obviously don't understand it."
"This is it? I don't know how they got a great shot from the aerial."

And as I wrote those quotes out just now, my iTunes (set on shuffle) is playing NSync's 'Drive Myself Crazy.' And no, the song isn't in my library because I like boy bands. It's got meaning and relevance. The same relevance to what I just found out.

what you think you thought you knew
but then
find.

Anyway.
In Econ. we were looking at a Production Possibilities Curve. One axis said 'cars' and the other 'oranges.' The prof asked something about why if more cars were to be made, less oranges would be made. And all the time I am just sitting there thinking, umm well, first off, you don't 'make' oranges. Oranges grow. So in my mind, there was no logical way of comparing the two. And that's all I'm saying on that matter.
I did see a live-Ken doll today, well kind of. I won't say where, or in what class, or who. But, I remember when I was younger, I always had the best looking Ken dolls, with real hair of course. I never had a chia pet, though, so I would use my Ken dolls and cut their hair instead.( This detail is irrelevent, I know.) Anway, this live-Ken doll had the blue eyes of Ken, the hair, the clothes, and even the shoes! Remeber how all the Ken dolls had those shoelace-less shoes? Well he was wearing these flats very similar. It was funny at the moment, probably a 'had to be there' to maybe be in a mood like I was/am. But I swear it was like he walked right out of a Barbie box.

That's it.

2009-01-27T16:47:00.000-05:00

After a complaint from a certain someone that I was slacking on this blog by not posting yesterday, I decided I better throw something up here. But, I also think that my last entry on poetic memory was worth of two days' viewings (if you didn't read it, skip this entry and scroll down to Sunday because the following post is probably just going to be ridiculous and random).

A quote to start:

"There's great merit in seeing something with fresh eyes." -Psych.

Some video for some laughs:

1. Why I don't try and master the 'I can ride a bike with no hands' skill. Because this is what would happen....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNhYgYwiPQ8&feature=related

2. This probably isn't funny, but I think it's a lifeguard/swimmer thing. It's also why you don't try backflips on the edge of a pool...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUQGz3yN91c&feature=PlayList&p=D25F951EC6EF058A&playnext=1&index=42

That's all folks. I'll try to up my game on the next one.

2009-01-25T17:18:00.000-05:00

My original entry gave claim that this blog would not be filled with anything too brilliant, that I would only put on here that which is not worthy of space in my lil black book. But, I feel like this is something to be shared. Maybe it will spring a thought on whoever is reading this, maybe it will inspire…

"The brain appears to possess a special area which we might call poetic memory and which records everything that charms or touches us, that makes our lives beautiful."-Milan Kundera

Stumbling across this quote today, I had another epiphany. I say 'another' because everyday I am discovering something new or illuminating something I had not shed light on before. (Not to sound like some great discoverer, because I am more so like a new puppy who chases her tail only to finally realize that it was attached to her own self all along….sorry, tangent…) Well, today it is the concept of 'poetic memory.' When trying to Google it (because when you don't understand something, or want to know more about something, this is what you do-you Google it, naturally), I was unable to find anything scientific. (Though I will admit that my search was limited to browsing a few pages.) But, anyhow, this idea of the brain having a "special area which we might call poetic memory" puts me in an overwhelmed state of intrigue.I had never thought memory to be something that could be specifically intertwined with poetry, or the arts. I had just thought that memory was, well, memory, and whatever the mind chose to remember was somewhat of a pick-and-choose mystery. Of course one can willfully create memory, but some things in life kind of just get ‘stuck’ within the mind. (No matter how hard one may try to rid the brain of that which will not leave.) And to start to think why certain memories cannot be forgotten, no matter the effort put forth to do so, is something astonishingly remarkable.

“…everything that charms or touches us, that makes our lives beautiful.”

Everything that charms us. But what charms us, and why are our subconscious selves charmed? Or is it our conscious selves? It must be both. Because if memory holds such power that one can not willfully forget on his or her own, then his subconscious must be coming into play, for his consciousness so desires the release of that memory, whatever it may be. But how are poetic forms in our lives (whatever form it may be-writings, poems, paintings, drawings, even people) more prone to remembrance? What attracts the mind to these forms more so than others? My only thought on this is that the heart must not only find its home within a cavity in the chest, but it also must be privy to a part of the brain (at least metaphorically), a part involving memory, thought, feeling. I had always wondered why the heart was given association to love and emotion. Essentially, yes, the heart is life, but the heart has not been discovered to have thinking parts. So, concepts of love and emotion are not of the heart. They must be of memory, of the brain. So why do we associate them with the heart? Perhaps because without a heart one cannot live or exist. Perhaps because without memory, emotion, feeling, and love one cannot exist either…

2009-01-25T00:24:00.000-05:00

Johnny Legend is my new main man. Sorry, JT.

Check out the video. Some of it filmed in SoHo...if the link or video doesn't work it may because the video isn't actually out yet....

Enjoy

http://hiphopblips.dailyradar.com/video/john_legend_everybody_knows_1/

2009-01-23T21:43:00.000-05:00

Walking back from my meeting with a professor, a man was running down the street with about two, huge, overflowing piles of what looked like GAP clothes in his arms. My first reaction was, "Wow, must be a sale!" But then I realized his pace was a little fast and there'd be no reason to try and stuff the oversized piles in his jacket-which was open anyway. I sort of just watched as he ran by. So did everyone else on the street. Well, actually, this other guy and I were the only ones to even really notice...apparently in New York people running with piles of tagged clothes isn't anything outside the norm. Anyway, that was my chance to be the superhero. I should have tripped that sucker. BAM!! The clothes would have flown all over, he would have faceplanted, and I would have saved the day. This could have backfired though, for example, he could have an amazing sense of balance and my foot may just trip him up a little and throw him off stride, and piss him off. Then I would be the one having to run. And Ugg boots are a little bulky to pick up the pace in.........maybe next time I witness something like this I will do more than just walk on by. And of course, save the day.

I was advised to start thinking about a title for what I have been calling 'My Project.' Thinking about a title is pretty scary. I mean, it doesn't get more real than a title. This is really happening. I am writing my story. I am still in awe, even though it is something I have been working on now for over a year.

I have not really hit the perfect title, but here are some potential ideas I came up with so far:
(feel free to comment on what you think about 'em, the ones I starred are the ones I kinda have a taking for)

Beautifully Scarred*
Etched into Me
Loving So
Only What Is
Wishbones and Wheaties*
What I Weigh
Recover(ing)
Never Did I
It's Not Funny
Partly Cloudy
Partly Sunny
What I Would Do
Not Even at All
Hold Me Tight

2009-01-22T20:56:00.001-05:00

This entry might be a long one. It's been a long day. A long week. Life's just been...long...lately.

And I did just sign up for the half-marathon in April at Central Park, yeah 13 miles. Long. Running. Did I mention that I HATE running? I don't care if it is 1/3 of the triathlons I have been competing in, running just beats me down mentally. I guess this is going to test me. I think I need that right now. I need to be tested. I need to push my limits. I need to redefine those limits that have been shaken. I guess I will see just how far I can go.

There's about 13 weeks to go before the race. Although I have been running a lot for how I normally "train," I am going to have to step up my game and get serious. 13 miles is no joke. I am going to have to not only be in peak shape, but I am also going to need to start eating 'healthier.' When I do something, when there is something I am working towards, I put everything I can and more into it. I signed up for it. I have to throw my heart into running, which may be a safe place for it right now.

The second half of this post is the playlist I promised Em ( in a particular order):
1. "Bittersweet Symphony"-The Verve
2. "What You Thought You Need"-Jack Johnson
3. "Kiss Me"-Sixpence None the Richer
4. "Everybody Knows"- John Legend (probably one of my top 3 favorite songs ever)
5. "Losing my Way"-JT (it couldn't be a playlist without JT could it?)
6."Street Lights"- Kanye
7."Say"- John Mayer
8."Fool to Think"- DMB
9."She Will be Loved"-Maroon 5
10."Please Forgive Me"-David Gray
11."What am I to You?"-Norah Jones
12."Colorblind"-Counting Crows
13."Love Soon"- John Mayer
14."If You're Out There"-John Legend
15."Killing my Softly"- Lauryn Hill
16."The Man Who Can't Be Moved"-the Script
17."Breakeven"-the Script
18."Bottle it Up"-Sara Bareilles
19."The Seeds"-the Roots (this song is random. but it makes me want to bust a move every single time I hear it, so it deserves a spot on the list)
20."Gives You Hell"-AAR (this song doesn't really belong either, but it does, but it doesn't..)
21."Live Your Life"-Rihanna ft. T.I.

2009-01-21T14:01:00.000-05:00

To start, here is a sign I passed on my way to class. It speaks for itself.

In Economics, we were talking about profits and such, and the equations involved with calculating profits. While the professor was speaking about this, I started to think how one calculates life's profits? Can an equation be derived? (I'm not good with numbers, but this is something I would be interested in figuring out.) And must the result be a positive number? Negative? Zero? And what would that 'profit' be....happiness? Then I started to think about happiness, tragedy, and life. And I came to the conclusion that life is a tragedy. BUT, life is beautiful, so life is beauty. It really comes down to how one finds the beauty in the tragedy itself. I've also determined that my life has already held some pretty tragic events, so if I have already seen tragedy at its worst, then really everything else should just be that much more beautiful......

So, the goal is to have mi own apartemento come May. Though I am 99.7% sure I want to fly solo through the whole thing, I have been weighing the pros and cons.I've come up with the following:

Pros of living alone:

1. Artistic freedoms-I'll be able to write, paint, and create music whenever I want (and without doing so under a litte lamp or in a hallway or in fear of waking up a roomie.) I'll also have the space to paint....granted I know I will be living in a lil place , but it'll work.
2. I like my space- I don't know if independent is the right word, but I definitely value the time I spend alone. I like some quiet. Not necessarily quiet in the mind but quiet in everything else around me.
3. I'm going through an artsy phase/maybe it's not a phase? - the project I am working on is something very personal and something only I can really work on. It's hard but it's what I want, and I want to dedicate a great deal of my time to making sure this piece gets out there. Because I think I have a story that needs to and should be told. So, living alone might allow me to focus more and get it done-the goal is 2011.
4. Puppy- I want a little furry friend, well not so little- a siberian husky....so it'll serve as pleasure and protection!
5. I will only have to be responsible for myself. Period.

And now the cons (I've only come up with 2 so far):
1. No more (late night/24-7) roomie bonding about life
2. I'll be responsible for myself (this was a pro too...)

Uno

2009-01-20T11:03:00.001-05:00

I've never been a fan of blogging.

But, well, to be honest....there's some material I have that just isn't worthy enough to go down in my lil black book so to say.

So, I'll put all the unworthy stuff here. Most of it will probably be very random. Most of it will probably be sarcastic. Some of it may even be a little funny, just maybe. I am not guaranteeing any laughs, so don't bank on it.

ANYWAY....

I'll start by throwing out some good quotes from my first class.

(please note: taken from students and the prof. )

"It's not all or nothing."

"You never really see the same thing twice."

"There is value from having magic and wonder in your life."

"Vulnerability is attractive."

"If you don't know where you are going, it'll take you forever to get there."

On a lighter note, I rediscovered Missy Elliot's song/video "Gossip Folks." I suggest you watch it.

http://music.aol.com/video/missy-elliott-gossip-folks/missy-elliott/1102703

Some highlights include one of the first lines -"I heard she eats one cracker a day." LoL
And I decided that if this whole NYU thing fails me, and I end up not wanting to live in a shack down by the river, I can always grow back my ponytail, learn to dance, and become the new 'it' girl -the young one dancin'. I could break it down. Or I mean, I always wanted to grow dreadlocks so maybe I could become the next Ludacris? Hmmmm....