12.04.09.155
i am told that he walks beside me
and that he is here with me now
and comes around often.

yet this emptiness and aloneness i feel
is so present
and gripping
that it strangles.

and makes me hold on
to everything around me
like
the crystals i grip in my pocket
or
the lump i fight with to swallow
in my throat
and
the people
like you.

12.04.09.200

If what is happening
is in fact not my fault
or choosing
but everything around me's
underlining, undiscovered weight
then really
my chains are not my own.
But if
these struggles
I have chosen on my own
to carry and to bear
are mine
then who to break the locks
but me?

12.04.09.206
Have you ever found yourself locked out
of a room or building to which you have the key
just not with you, or cannot be found
at the moment.
Have you rummaged through your purse,
fingers scraping and digging to find the key
but without luck
you tear your bag apart and into pieces.
Its contents spilled out and everywhere.
Misplaced objects
like pens
or chapstick
or notebooks
or pieces of scratch paper
with words and phrases and to-dos.
When really none of it matters
because all you want and need
is the key you have
but cannot find
to open the door
and go back inside.