Sometimes I like to figure out what's wrong...

I have a tendency to randomly get teary waiting for trains to come down by the subway. I say randomly because it does not happen often, and when it does, it usually happens for now reason. Or at least I think no reason at that time.

It's the worst feeling in the world-that feeling of something being wrong, but having no hold of exactly what it is that is bothering you. It drives me crazy. Being one who has to make sense out of everything....working on that....

So it happened tonight. And I got back to Brooklyn. And I just could not figure out why I felt like something was completely out of whack. And I have already blamed enough on Mercury being in retrograde (and it's barely day 2) that I decided it couldn't be that....

Then I am in my room, scrambling to get stuff ready for the one class I have, but a day full of random things like physical therapy, meeting with an advisor, and meeting for exciting internship stuff seem to crowd into tomorrow's 'schedule.' It really is only tomorrow that my schedule is so a-wol, but then the whole thing donned on me. It was not the fact of tomorrow being a full day of exciting, new, and interesting endeavors...it's the simple and complex fact that tomorrow starts an actual schedule for me.

All summer, especially since the whole knee thinger, I have had sooooo much freedom. It has been amazing. Because up until this summer, my whole life (I really am not kidding) has been sketched out into a schedule-what I am doing each day, at what time, where at, etc. I literally used to plan out each day of every week. OCD, I know. Working on that too...anyway...then I decide to 'sketch out' this week. I put down the few classes I have, my intern days, and my work days. And I notice that it still seems 'empty.' Something was missing. I was trying to organize my life into a schedule-since I was soo accustomed to doing so prior to knee surgery-but it just wasn't the same. Crazy, right? Things not being the same? What is up with this whole complex we have of not being ok with change and difference and all that jazz? It's a bit ridiculous. But schedules bring so much security, comfort, and ease into lives.....until they change...or we change...

Because having to sit down and write out my day-to-day schedule was hard enough. It's like I am locking myself into days of the week again, whereas sometimes this past summer I had no idea what day it was, because I was just that free and not thinking of what time it was, what I had to be doing, etc.

I am running this down into the ground. I know. But I am not even at my main epiphony moment...

I realized that it's impossible for me not to have a schedule-at least as long as I have classes, work, an internship, and general places I have to be at. But there is a key element still missing from my schedule right now. And it's yoga at the studio, and running in the mornings. It's my training that I have come to be so machine-like in over the years. And it's missing right now. And though it's something I have been missing all summer, it just really hit me tonight (or this early morning if you want to get particular) because classes start today, and so does everything else. But as everything else is beginning, this part of my life is still at a standstill, still being held from me. It's a big hole in my schedule, and silly enough-in my life. It's important to me-going to yoga class and feeling the energy of the studio, and waking up in the morning and running, or running along the water.

I have to try and hold out for two more weeks. It's so hard though. I want to, need to, must run. But I just know that it could be a really stupid decision to make in general (let alone with Mercury retrograde going on, chances of further injury are probably much higher lol...). I have to make sure my femur bone is healed. And that means an x-ray on the 22nd. And that means I have to make it two more weeks. Two more weeks in this pseudo-schedule that has a hole in it. But I guess there is one thing about this hole I speak of (in my schedule), it's a kind of hole that can't be made any bigger, it's the kind of hole that can only be filled in.......in two weeks hopefully....